One lovely sunset near my house

Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more
Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreaming
I can hear them say
Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don’t know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you
Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry (don’t you cry no more)

This song often resonates within me.  Whenever I feel like I am screwing something up, this song often comes creeping out of nowhere.  I have often felt like the black sheep of our little family – the one who gets in trouble, who defies social constraints, who has these wacky (ish) thoughts that burst out at times under the mask of creativity.  I think I push the limits more often than is necessary and I know I push myself so hard there are times I want to fall apart into a blubbering glob of goo.  I’m a fairly personable girl, I’m told I am rather likable.  I think I use that to my advantage to cover up the inadequacies I see within myself.

Over the weekend I read a blog by David Cain (www.raptitude.com) where he was talking about procrastination.  I have read and reread that post a number of times.  One quote in particular has stuck with me – “It turns out procrastination is not typically a function of laziness, apathy or work ethic as it is often regarded to be. It’s a neurotic self-defense behavior that develops to protect a person’s sense of self-worth.”  He goes on to discuss the book  “The Now Habit” by Neil Fiore, Ph.D.  I think I will have to add that book to my summer reading list (which is already 50 strong – I really had better get cracking… library here I come!).   I came to realize, after reading the post, that I am really not that unlike others.  I had a brilliant older brother and sister, and by the time I came along expectations were set.  If I even got a B in school, something was wrong – I was always expected to try to be in the top percentage of all activities I attempted and if I didn’t achieve that… well maybe it wasn’t for me.

Tawas, Michigan

This thinking stalled me into inactivity for several years.  I owned a business, that failed – and from there my self-worth plummeted.  It took time and perseverance to pull myself out of that negative thinking to start attempting to finding a new path in life.  I had just turned 38 when I took up ballet for the first time in my life (and recently have been able to participate in some advanced training).  I was 39 when I decided to start cycling distances exploring the region around my home on my bike (and can easily go 25-30 miles at a stretch.. working at adding distance).  I am now 40 as I decide to begin a new journey into writing.  Some people thought it was mid-life crisis – maybe that has attributed to some of the decisions I have made over the last few years.  However, I finally feel I am on solid ground again.  I have spent most of my life afraid I would fail at what I attempt, so I stopped attempting anything.     That isn’t a life.. that is floating.  It took losing both my parents and hitting rock bottom for me to realize that there is more to life than what I was making out of it.

There is peace.. I can feel it, I can almost taste it.  It is becoming tangible in my life.  I don’t need to cry no more…

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