Lately I have been doing research on how athletes recover from injuries.  There is a lot of information out there about how to handle the aftermath of an injury and how best to proceed.  The common thread among most of the articles I have read is dealing with the emotions involved.  I can attest to the fact that depression will try to take hold of you after you are forced to stop doing what you love.  I am not a doctor, so I am not going to discuss solutions.  However, I would like to discuss how all this research has affected me and mine.

My children are, by definition, athletes.  My oldest son is a competitive gymnast.  My daughter not only dances, but does it 3-4 days a week and is passionate about her future as a dancer.  My little guys are all bundles of energy – alternately trying gymnastics and dance on any given day of the week.  I see in them some of the struggles I faced as a young child: flexibility issues, lack of skill or talent, lack of focus… but mostly what I see is fear.  Some of their fear is justified.  I don’t think there is a person alive who hasn’t experienced a twinge of fear when trying something new – especially when it is physical.  It all comes down to how you handle that emotion and whether your let it charge you or cripple you.

As for me, I suffered a rather significant injury last summer.  Endless doctor’s visits, physical therapy and thousands of dollars later I am able to walk without limping.  I no longer have to medicate on a daily basis.  I did, however, envelope myself in a blanket of fluff to protect myself in the future.  I realized I was using my weight as an excuse to keep from pushing myself too hard.  I could use it to dismiss my dancing, blaming the weight and not my lack of talent, or even my injury.  I would have even used it to avoid the spotlight, literally, and refuse being in performances until I was asked to be Mrs. Stahlbaum in the Nutcracker this past December and I didn’t feel I could refuse.  I will be honest and say I was embarrassed to be in a ballet, on stage, in a significant role, and carry the additional weight.  I then found I was caught up in a vicious cycle.  I used the injury to blame my weight, and the weight to blame my lack of quick recovery.  It all basically came down to the fact I was putting myself in a position where I stopped caring about pushing myself physically, and was coddling my emotions.

I floated along like this for a few months, until I started seeing some of this attitude in my son, the competitive gymnast.  He, too, suffered an injury awhile ago and had to go through doctor’s visits, physical therapy and copious amounts of money.  His skills were deteriorating even further after coming back, joining a new gym with a phenomenal coach, and getting back into competitions.  His coach grew concerned. I found it nearly pure agony to go to gymnastics meets and watch my boy, who was a great competitor last season, barely make a skill set.  I was helping him to excuse his failure – reminding him he was young, he was coming off a severe injury, he was on an all new team and jumped a level.  In retrospect, I fear I may have hurt him emotionally by doing this.

It was because of him that I started doing more and more research.  All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was exhibiting the same mental deterioration that he was.  It is hard to deal with the fact your body isn’t working the way you want it to.  It is hard to deal with the constant pain of an injury, while watching your friends continue on – getting better and better at the very activity you want so badly to do.  What is really hard to deal with?  Is the fear of injuring yourself.  You almost want to move gingerly, worried that you will set yourself back if you push too hard.  At some point you realize that if you don’t push yourself, you might as well give up.  The sad aspect of this is, that realization doesn’t always come within a given time frame.  It can take people days, weeks, months and even years to come this conclusion.

My son and I are working hard together to be a team.  He knows I have his back.  It has also meant some heart to heart talks lately, where we finally have come to grips with the fact that this is and will be a problem until we face it.  We have had to evaluate where we are physically, deal with the pain and face the embarrassment that we have not really been trying our hardest.  I think the biggest thing we are realizing is that making or finding excuses is just hurting us more than facing the problem head on.

The current gymnastics season is almost done for my oldest son.  He has a month until his state meet.  His coach doesn’t really think he will make it to Regional’s, but we have both seen a shift in his attitude and ability.  The Mom part of me wishes we had figured this out earlier, giving him more of a chance this year – but the practical part of me says that it is better late than never.  I think what has really helped us??  Knowing we aren’t alone.

Even so, I have spent a lot of time this month looking forward to some changes I want to make in my life.  Positive, life affirming changes.  It is my hope to not necessarily make them “resolutions” per se, but active goals to be achieved in the year 2013.

• First and foremost is my health.  I have been slack in the upkeep of my personal body for a few months now and I am tired of… well.. being tired all the time.  I have already put plans into place so when I come home from my Christmas vacation I have something to look forward to.
• In an ongoing decision to embrace a healthier lifestyle, I have decided to make a few physical goals as well.  I have already met up with some friends and the plans are in the works to do the DelMac (www.dalmac.org) together in 2013.  I also intend on dancing again on stage this spring, so my mini goal is to get myself into true dance shape in the next few months.
• I have to address my housekeeping skills this year.  I am, at best, an absolutely horrid housekeeper.  I actually have next to no idea what I am doing.  My Mom was a great woman, and I loved her dearly, but she was such a perfectionist she never let me do more than the bare minimum’s when it came to cleaning.  I wasn’t allowed to use their washer or dryer – I actually went off to college and had to get my roommates help on how to use the machines.  As silly as it seems?  I think I need to take a class or something and get myself and my home up to a higher standard.  The clutter is getting to me.
  

  Baby Blues Comic

I think those are some pretty big goals to tackle this year and I hope to reassess on a monthly basis.  If you have any thoughts on tips to help me complete my goals, feel free to email me or send a message.  Also, if you want to be accountable for your own 2013 goals, feel free to post them here.  I have found that writing out my ideas goes a long way toward their coming to fruition.

I hope your 2012 was filled with joy.

May your 2013 be even better.

After great pain a formal feeling comes–
The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions–was it He that bore?
And yesterday–or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow–
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

~ Emily Dickinson

Don’t you hate it when life is going along and you have all these wonderful dreams and aspirations – only to have them come to a screeching halt when some barrier suddenly appears?  Life is like that, isn’t it?  It is crazy to me how much the urge to live encompasses us.  For most of us – do we give up when we have a splinter?  NO!  Heck, we don’t even give up when we have a broken bone or a dislocation somewhere.  The pain is intense, but we still seek a way to survive, always looking for a chance to move forward.. to LIVE!

I have been through this lately, once again.  I swear – I am either one of the most clumsy people on this planet or just unlucky.  I could spend the rest of this blog cataloguing the injuries I have suffered through in my lifetime, but what would be the point?  For in my heart of hearts, I am still alive – still relatively healthy – and still able to keep moving on.  Just because I am in pain… okay, well, constant pain.. means nothing.  I have learned over the years to ignore the pain until it becomes so bothersome I seek to do something about it.  In this case, I have gone through physical therapy for 6 weeks now, and have about 2 more to go.  Apparently when I injure myself I decide to do it 100%.  No half tears or simple strains for me.  No.. I have to rupture my entire muscle and do significant damage to the mechanism of my leg.  I hope to be back to normalcy soon (such as it is) but I have my doubts.  There comes a point where one wonders if they will ever be able to just live without suffering again.

To what end do we suffer?  It has been said that pain makes you a better person, that you become better through adversity.  Okay then.  I must be pretty amazing.  Would be lovely if I felt that way, but instead I fear I am turning into a frumpy, fluffy, faulty, feckless female who uses too many f’s.  Not the most attractive, let me tell you… maybe even frightful (sorry, but I had to throw that in there).

I spent some time trying to research “suffering” on the internet, but most of the posts about suffering are theological.  I have a strong belief in God, and quite possibly I will be punished for not being a better disciple, but I have never been one to thrust my perspectives down another person’s throat.  In that vein, I don’t see why when someone suffers it has to be all about their spirituality.  Suffering is just that: experiencing or being subjected to something bad or unpleasant; bearing pain or distress.  I don’t think there is an animal, plant, or insect alive that hasn’t been subjected to some form of suffering.

Salvador Dali

So, then, why?  Why must we suffer while we live on this planet?  I have my theories – right or wrong as they may be.  I don’t think we can experience joy or love, without feeling pain and loss.  Interesting that newborn infants cannot laugh. Have you ever thought that maybe as humans we have to experience hardship before we can learn to enjoy life?  Once we find joy, we seek it out again and again.  Maybe we suffer as infants – coming into this world from a warm comfortable environment to cold, noise, and hunger.  Maybe this suffering is symbolic – I don’t know… does it matter?  Even if small comfort, knowing others go through life dealing with the ups and downs it has to offer lessens the loneliness we can feel.

I stopped thinking that people had to walk in my shoes to understand me – and realized that everyone has their own problems to deal with.  Instead I have surrounded myself with people who I love, enjoy talking to and being with, and look for good in life to make myself smile.  Maybe it is because of all the pain I have gone through, maybe it is just who I am – but I would rather be the sweet Kay who loves life, then be miserable and depressed all the time.  You have a choice too – what will you do?

~ Thomas Jefferson

I was asked recently to write a question for “Blogversation 2012″ – an engaging way to bring together writers and bloggers in conversation.  My high school classmate, Colleen Newvine Tebeau, launched this project with the idea that bloggers could become a greater part of the whole, converse and ask questions – given distance and time constraints – and open themselves to more diverse topics and ways of thinking.  Her blog is http://newvinegrowing.wordpress.com/, and I urge you to go back and see what conversations have taken place so far.

The post I wrote for her, is as follows, but it brought up more questions than I address here.  My mind has taken off like a butterfly, soaring and seeing things in a way I am looking forward to expressing over the next few weeks.  Please feel free to join in the discussion, either here or over at Newvine Growing.  The more the merrier!

What have you done when some life-altering, goal changing event has happened to you?

Has your entire perspective changed? If you had to make significant changes in your life, do you miss the person you were before, or have you embraced the changes? What happened to the original goal?

Recently life threw another hurdle at me to try an overcome – when I ruptured one of the muscles in my calf. This forced inactivity has me contemplating how to reinvent the wheel, when I have four active children going in four different directions and my inability to walk, let alone drive.

This injury also has forced me to give up my goal of riding a century (100 miles) on my bike this fall. I had been working up to this event all summer long, pushing my body and keeping my eyes focused toward the pride I would feel at accomplishing my goal.

In a split second, in the middle of dance class, my life changed. I am forced to give up my goal of riding the century this fall, let alone in 2012. I must miss auditions for the 10th anniversary of our studio’s production of “The Nutcracker,” and quite possibly find myself, for the first time in years, in the audience instead of on stage performing.

This isn’t the first time I have had to release a goal from my clutches. I had a very successful career when my husband and I discovered we were going to be parents. After many heartfelt discussions, it was decided one of us would stay home with our child (little did we know we would have four) and put their career on hold. Since I made the least amount of money, it was felt practical that I become the stay-at-home parent. I will admit this was not a decision I embraced fully and I resented it for a long time. I felt forced into a choice I didn’t want to make, and was unhappy.

I could add to the list: when my parents died and I was left without my compass, forgetting who I was in the process of grieving, realizing they would never see my children grow up; the birth of child 2, 3 and 4 – changing how I viewed life and the people in it, and pushing back my dream of returning to the workforce; even buying a house away from the hustle and bustle of a metropolis, and finding life a lot slower in a country town – making it quite difficult to be the social diva I would like to be.

For me, each time something has happened there has been a dip in my emotions, a period where I grieved over the loss of my goal. However, I have never been one to stay down for long. I look around and see what I can do to make my life better, what other goals I can make, if I truly have to give up on my original goal in the first place or merely shelve until a later date. Life is too short to live it with regrets or feelings of remorse. I hope I am seen as one who can move on, push the reset button, and be happy.

What kind of lemonade have you made, when life served you lemons?

To see the original post, please go to:   http://newvinegrowing.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/blogversation-2012-what-have-you-done-when-some-life-altering-event-has-happened-to-you/

Thank you Colleen, for giving me this opportunity to write, as well as stimulating that part of my mind that was blocked for some reason.  I look forward to engaging in further conversation with the other Blogversationists!

A friend of mine sent me this video with the comment that it is the best flash mob she has seen.  I would have to agree.  Does this video tug your heartstrings?  Does it make you proud to be an American?  Do you feel for the veterans who came back to honor their fallen brethren?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgecqttxoQg

I love that we honor our veterans – it is a reminder to us that the politics of the world can get a common man caught up in life or death situations over decisions they have no hand in.  Recently I went to visit my parents grave, and then took some time to visit those of the rest of my family.  My Uncle Jim was a career soldier and it warmed my heart to see that both he and my Uncle Jerry, also a soldier, were side by side with flags waving in the breeze.  My Dad, a veteran of the Korean War, also had a flag to honor his service.  I know they are not forgotten, as I know those flags were provided by veterans who visited the cemetery to make certain they were honored.

Watching this video filled me with emotion – seeing these elderly men who have lived their lives with the memory of a war they fought in their youth honored and respected.  It should serve as a reminder, that war isn’t just something that occurred years ago – but we have military people who are living and dying at this very moment in combat conditions.  I don’t see what being drafted or choosing the service has to do with the respect that we give our military.  At some point we lost sight of what the military does for us, either because our country became so big and we feel so sheltered from the rest of the world – or because we have lost trust in our political leadership and instead of taking it out on them, we look to the “grunts” and give them our snide or disparaging remarks.

Watch this video again, and truly see why these men are cheered, applauded, and respected.  Then look at a young soldier, preparing to go off on a mission he or she has no direct say in, and realize that history is repeating itself.  Let us not take out the frustrations we have over decisions made behind closed doors at top levels of leadership on the men and women who serve in the military. Let’s go back to the days where it is a respected career and we can all feel proud of our country again.

“Lady Lilith” by Dante Gabriel Rosetti

Yes, yes I know.. “Vanity, thy name is woman” was never actually written by Shakespeare, much to the chagrin of many a researcher. But that isn’t entirely why I chose to borrow this particular title for today’s post.  No, I am increasingly discovering that I am far more vain than one would guess if you knew me and the chaotic life I lead.  I am particular about pictures that are taken of me and how I am seen by the public.  I don’t necessarily go out in full makeup all the time, but I am not one you will see tooling around town in my sweatpants or stained t-shirts.  I rarely even wear them in the confines of my home, and if you see me in them I am either considering working out in them or excessively sick – neither of which is a good time to interrupt.

Lately, my motivations have to do with the fact I will be on stage in a few weeks.  My stage appearance is important to me, and I have put on just enough weight to make me uncomfortable in the public eye.  Last week I decided to launch myself into a true cycling program – thereby getting my body in shape and enjoying my bike, as most of you know I am so fond of doing.  I have to admit, even telling the public that I am less than perfect is difficult.  I don’t want to admit that I am “fluffy” but I will never make any strides if I hide behind bulky t-shirts and avoid the stage because of how I look.  In 3 more weeks I will be on stage in a cute outfit, dancing my heart out, and I want the audience to look at me and my dance.. not judge me by how I look physically.  I know I can’t achieve that fully, but taking some “fluff” off between now and then will sure go a long way toward that goal.

I decided to actually train, not just randomly get on my bike.  I have few books I have read on the subject and am incorporating what I can into my busy life.  I was planning on throwing myself fully into it after my vacation to Kentucky, but came back to a house full of sick kids.. then ended up sicker than I have been in many years.  It took me a good week to recover, but when I had enough energy I started.  I decided to either dance or cycle every day of the week, giving myself one day off each week to fully recover.  I do have to stretch, and stretch and STRETCH on the days I cycle or it affects my dancing days.  I am coming to look forward to spending an hour working out the kinks of my body and making sure it doesn’t tighten too much.

I understand weight training is important, and I don’t knock the merit in it.  I will get to that in a few weeks when I have truly gained my strength back from my illness and I know it won’t affect my stage performance.  For now though, I am already seeing results, I am happy with the direction I am going and I hope that this intensive push in the final month before performance will be evident when I walk on stage full of energy and ready to dance.

Lastly, in the interest of full disclosure and as a means of record keeping for my own feeble mind I am going to post the workout I did and plan to do.  It will keep me accountable, give other an opportunity to give advice or disparaging remarks, and keep me track.  Until after the performance my main goal is to slowly build my hours on my bike, keeping myself supple and flexible until the big day.  In a few weeks when I have my fringe dress safely packed away again, I will change the focus somewhat.  Any hints to get me in the right direction will be highly encouraged and welcome.

Monday – 1 hour intense dance, full performance preparation

Tuesday – 9.5 miles, average speed 10.3mph

Wednesday – 8.6 miles, average speed 10 mph (brand new route, never been on before, was nervous and slow as I navigated the paths)

Thursday – walked 5 miles (not my best workout, but errands and life got in the way)

Friday – Spend entire day cooking, was supposed to be my rest day, but a woman’s work is never done.

Saturday – 1.5 hours of ballet, nuff said

Sunday – Rode 18 miles, average speed 11.5 mph

Took a short break today to take a picture of the spot where I turn around and head back home. This is in the midst of swamp land, and the pictures doesn’t do the view justice.

PLAN for WEEK – Cycling – Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday; Dance – Monday, Friday, Saturday. Assuming one of the days will be rained out, given the weather forecast, so rest day will be flexible.  Hoping to increase my time on the bike, and or have a better average speed throughout.

Lastly…. stretching.  I do a lot of it in class all ready, but I have to make time for it on the days I am on the bike.  I am hoping an added benefit will be an increase of flexibility, but at the very least if I can get stronger on the bike and dance and maintain my current level I won’t complain.  Might need to look into revising my stretching routine in the future, but for now it is doing the trick.

Hope you enjoyed the random look into my thoughts on melding cycling and dance over the next few weeks.  It is obviously on my mind!  I would, just so you know, rather be vain than frail.

“La belle Irlandaise” by Gustave Courbet

http://penonpointe.wordpress.com/2011/07/15/my-mom/

My Mom, Phyllis Louise Mueller – taken circa 1950

I don’t really want to write this particular topic.  Even though it has been 3 years, it is still too painful, too raw, to talk about.  However, I feel like I am doing my mother a disservice.  I haven’t been able to really talk about her since she died – 3 years ago today.  My mother was my best friend – we talked nearly every single day… generally for hours.  I still feel guilty – that somehow the events that were going on in my life (I was having some significant life issues then), caused her to have the massive heart attack that ended her life.  I even told her that morning that I felt she was having a heart attack – she had told me she wasn’t feeling well and her symptoms just sent up red flags.  I absolutely hate that I was right.  I hate that I didn’t do more to get her in to the hospital.  Who knows – it could have been a life or death difference.   I hate that a few hours later my dad called to tell me I needed to get up there, and I knew she had already died – but he didn’t say that, just told me that I needed to hurry.  I hate that my children were only 7, 5, 2 and 1 then – and they will have next to no memory of their grandma.  I hate… I hate… I hate that she is gone.

There is so much to be happy about though, and I have to cling to those thoughts.  It’s just hard some days, when I desperately wish I could call her up and talk.  I see a hummingbird at my feeder and I think of her, or the first robin of the year.  My children do or say things and my first thought is to share it with her – it is hard sometimes to balance the sadness I feel with the joy in my life.  Her little idiosyncracies, which could drive me absolutely batty, also could be endearing once you understood why she acted or behaved the way she did.  The fact that I have some of those traits or behaviors myself doesn’t help.  I can’t really throw a stone in a glass house.

My Mom was quirky and funny.  I can remember laughing so hard I couldn’t even breathe over things she had said.  She had this near obsession with April Fool’s Day and always made it a point to get someone good on that day.  Her best joke was one she played on my nephew – where she called him up and told him she had just seen on the news that wild horses were running down his street.   He was quite young, and apparently ran out in the street looking for them. Although I have to admit the year she got me in college was pretty good too.  April 1st happened to fall on a Saturday my Sophomore year and she called up at an unearthly hour to tell me that the Goodyear blimp was outside my dorm and she was pretty sure she could see my window.  I woke up my roommate and we scrambled to the window – blearily looking out into the sky (we had a late night).  We, of course, didn’t see anything and I could hear my Mom’s laughter as I went back to the phone.  She was laughing so hard she was crying.

She didn’t have an easy time of it growing up – she had to go to the farm during the summers because she was the only girl.  Both her parents worked so she wasn’t allowed to stay in the city unchaperoned.  At the farm she had to work from morning until night.  She was always resentful of this, feeling her brothers had an easy time of life, when she had to work.  I think this resentment manifested itself in a different way as I was growing up.  She didn’t want me to HAVE to work, so she did most of the housework.  I went off to college not even knowing how to work a washing machine (don’t worry, that was quickly remedied).  I don’t think she really intended for me to have a soft life, but more she didn’t want me to have to deal with life she had.  Mom and Dad tried to give us kids everything.  She was always conscientious of how many gifts and how much she spent on each person – trying to be fair.  Sometimes this drove us crazy – but now that I understand her more, I see that it was an unconscious way for her to deal with the unfairness she perceived in her own childhood.

My mom knew how to comfort me in a way no one else can.  I was beside myself when I discovered I was pregnant with my 4th child.  To say he was a surprise is an understatement.  My 3rd wasn’t even a year old yet, and I met the news with tears and dismay.  I called her to break the news and just started sobbing.  I can remember distinctly her words to me – that God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle and He was blessing me.  She went on to tell me that I was a good mother, actually a great mother.  She was so impressed by my kids and how I handle them.  She brought a fresh new batch of tears to my eyes just in her appraisal of me.  It was her support that got me through the pregnancy and birth of my youngest.  He is such a joy.  He was an easy baby, and I remember my Mom’s words – that he was a blessing.

My Mom was fiercely opinionated though and I know that caused her grief.  She ostracized quite a few people in her life, some of which she regretted.  She was a protective mother, which led to some issues in mine and my siblings life – but I have to forgive her for I know, even if misguided, she meant only for us to have the best possible life.  My Dad was her everything – she begged God to take her before my Dad because she didn’t think she could emotionally carry the weight of it.  She tried to gently prepare me for the time when she would no longer be here on earth, but I would hear nothing of it – it was a thought I couldn’t deal with.  I was hoping she would just live forever.

I wish I could do more to honor her – I’m still not doing her justice in this post.  I haven’t realized how much I have tried to squelch my feelings for her.  She was a huge part of my life, and it hurts to let it out.  Maybe as time goes on and I learn how to deal with my emotions I can share with you some more of my good memories.  I wanted this post more lighthearted, but it turned out to trigger some deeper feelings.  I have dissolved into tears several times in this writing.  I wish that wasn’t the case, because tears were not a normal part of my life with my Mom.  I would prefer it is I could leave you such a great feeling in your heart about her that you wish you could have known her.  Maybe you can read from this and see that she was such a great Mom, that even after 3 years I still miss her. I love you Mom.  I am so thankful that you were not only my Mom, but my friend as well.  I hope you know that you truly shaped me into the woman I am today.  I hope you are as proud of me, as I am of you.  R.I.P.

My heritage is very German.  I am 3/4 German and 1/4 English.  Believe me, that particular combination works against me physically if I don’t keep moving.  I have spent years trying various activities to stay in relatively decent shape.  Yesterday I mentioned a few reasons why I combine dancing with cycling.  Today I saw a video that made me think about why we do what we do.

Dancing, to me, is breathtakingly beautiful.  I love the absolute control I must have over every single part of my body in the movement.  As I get better at ballet I find myself more capable of the control I need from the very tips of my toes to the ends of my fingers.  I love that I have progressed beyond worrying about simply where to put my feet – to controlling my hands, my facial expressions and the angle of my body.  It is demanding.  Most of all though, it lets me be.  I can go out on the dance floor and no matter how fluffy, how angry I am at the world, how horrible things are in my life, it is time for ME to be in control.  I can remember actual times stepping out on the studio floor on the verge of tears, or livid with anger, only to have most of it dissipate before we are even half way through class.  And then, what is the most amazing about all if it is – there often times where I go to walk off the floor and I can no longer remember why I was upset in the first place.  The studio is a place where I can be beautiful and feel creative.  It has become a part of me.

"Passionate Dancer" by Sera M. Knight Of Surrey England

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have my feelings toward cycling.  It is actually completely different, although some of the end results are the same.  I am not as confident on my road bike as I was on Mtb, and in shows in my speed and technique.  I took a lot more chances with my Mtb, but then again I had a lot of miles put on that bike and we knew each other intimately.  My road bike and I are still in the honeymoon stage and working out the kinks.  All of the technical stuff aside, I have to admit that I dream of being out on my bike.  As much as I love dance, my dreams are often of being on the road on the back of my bike, feeling the heat of the sun, the sweat on my back, and enjoying the world around me.  Lately, especially, as the weather gets warmer and I think about routes I want to take I remember different hills or corners and go through them in my mind.  I think of the traffic I will encounter, the various animals that might dart in my path, and various road conditions.  I get excited when I think of seeing other cyclists out on the route, feeling a part of some bigger group – even though I almost always go out alone.  I love the feeling of power I have as I am out, how I am a strange mix of strength and weakness when I get back.  Oddly enough, I love how thirsty I get, how much water I drink.  Mostly though, I feel alive on the back of a bike.  I feel energetic and I love the look of surprise when people realize how passionate I really am about getting out and cycling.  I appreciate my family understanding that it is a true need I have to get out and just be for a few hours.  I don’t even listen to music anymore when I am out on my bike, I prefer to enjoy the back country roads and the sounds that come with it.

"Summer Cycling" by Peter Szumowski

Through it all, it just seems that I need some time to explore and be beautiful and strong.  I think that these two activities keep me centered, when the wind knows my name.  It helps tame my restlessness, and gives me a good place to vent my frustrations and feelings in an proper manner.  It is what it is.. and I love it.

"Ballet Dancers" - Degas

One of the advantages, at least in the style of dance I do, is the strength of my leg muscles.  Across the board both dance and cycling have only served to make my legs into very strong powerhouses of energy.  I can’t say I could crack a nut with my leg muscles alone, but the muscles I have are far bigger and better at this stage of my life than any other series of activities I have tried.  This is both advantageous and disastrous, however.  They are the ones that are affected by overtraining and require more attention that other parts of my body.  Lately, as I build my miles on my bike, I actually have had moments in ballet where I have pushed myself to failure.  I have had times where I willed my legs to move in a manner I know they can, only to have them literally throw up their hands in disgust and shut down, much to my dismay.  It is at once frustrating and enlightening.  I am encouraged that I am pushing my body to a point where there is failure involved, for I know that means I am only getting stronger.  On the other hand, there is nothing so tragic as having your Ballet Teacher call out your name as an example of what NOT to do.

"Ballet Class" Elizabeth O'Kane

We can go on to discuss the ying-yang of having your bodies posture in constant flux.  With cycling it is better to have a bit of a rounded back, giving you more power and movement on the bike.  In ballet it is a must to have a straight posture, that is both graceful and fluid.  I have to admit my back takes a beating between these two differences.  I herniated two discs in my back through a series of bad throws during my martial arts days and they like to remind me of their presence when I try to cycle one day and then find myself in a Cambré the next.  I have not had the best luck with back flexibility in my life, but I do have every intention of working on it for the rest of my days.   I do think, however, that the differences in the flexibility will ultimately benefit my entire body.  I am stressing my back in different ways, so in my mind I am only making myself stronger.  More research may be needed, but at this point the contradicting forces between cycling and ballet on my back will hopefully work out any kinks (pun intended) I continue to have in that area.

"Female Cyclist" - Michael Lee

There are a host of other parts of the body we could discuss, but I think I will end this particular discussion with arms.  Yes, they are lacking on both instances.  Arm strength is not something that is a focus in either discipline.  Some strength is needed, that is true, but this is one area of the body that could use some additional attention that neither cycling, nor ballet, can give me.  In ballet it is important not to hold the hands in a manner that looks contrived.  On the cycle it is the small nuances of the hand that can help with direction.  I have had a continued problem with some wrist fatigue and hand numbness on my bike that I understand is a correctable given proper equipment.  I need to add more of a stand alone arm program that can aid me with my strength.  It would not do to be the flabby armed ballerina, or for that matter the flabby armed cyclist!

"Blue Dancers" - Degas

I love the differences between the two.  I strongly believe that the added strength I get from cycling has aided my height in my leaps.  I believe that the grace I am learning in ballet is teaching me to be a relaxed cyclist who can get more out of her bike then sheer force.  I probably have to stretch more than a cyclist who doesn’t dance, and I most likely have some heel and foot problems from the fact that my feet and knees want to turn out – but these are all doable propositions.  It is all in the training, after all.  Adaptability is the key here.

I will most likely revisit this topic again in the coming months as I prepare for performances, summer, and cycling.  I hope this serves to encourage everyone to follow your dream, or dreams as the case may be, and see that sometimes an unlikely pair can be a huge benefit in the end.

Feel free to give me your opinions on this topic – good or bad.  I am, after all, still considering my options.

"walking aside her bike" - Pol Ledent